apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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