Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
