Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Can I color on your dick again?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
