I didn't shave. On purpose
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
