you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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