Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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