I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
