So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
