ugly people sure do ruin things
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
two words...techno handjob
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
