Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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