i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
