I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
