sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
