The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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