she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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