you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
