By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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