I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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