The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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