Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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