and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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