No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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