I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
