My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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