I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
