I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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