I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
