My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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