i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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