this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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