His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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