Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She told me I should be a condom model.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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