My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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