That's intense
I cannot find my penis.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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