proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
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Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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