she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
