wanna go halves on a baby?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
