Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize
