I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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