so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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