who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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