Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
