Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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