turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
