I cockslap morals
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
