omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
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