I hate your face
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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