i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
