Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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