I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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