hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
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hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
I can't put those talents on a resume
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.