I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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