we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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