i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
