I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
