dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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