just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
