I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
