nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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