2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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